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Note: Some of the question-taker's answers were also removed along with corresponding questions, and they have not been recovered below.

Questions	Answers
What is a typical day in your life like?	I get up at 4:30. I watch some YouTube, do some email, work on my writing or similar. I head to the gym at 7, shower and start my day around 8. I work in my home office or shop/lab, code and work on stuff, throughout the day. I could be busy all the way through to 8-9PM if I'm wrapped up in something, but not usually that busy.
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You get up at 4:30 AM? Wow. Have you always been a morning person? Are other people on your team morning people so you decided to start early? I’m asking this because it seems like a lot of successful people wake up very early and work out before starting their workday.	No, I never was until my neck injury. While recovering I couldn't sleep more than about 4-5 hours max and just got into the habit. Since it was so productive for me, I just kept it up!
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Thanks for sharing. I wish you good health.	Thanks!
Did you create Robocopy, or know who did? I use that very regularly and much more efficient than using the GUI.	The secret dirt is that Robocopy was first written by MS colleague Kevin Allen, and he started sharing copies around in 1994ish. From there, and after many iterations and heavy-duty real-world feedback, robocopy ended up in the Windows Resource Kit, and then later merged into the core Windows package. In the beginning, Kevin was a very experienced programmer, but new to the Win32 API; so robocopy was one of his projects to educate himself about Windows programming. Later on, ITG used robocopy to routinely transfer many gigabytes of data around MS global offices, every night; it became very robust and battle-hardened. It is a long time now since Kevin was involved in the robocopy source code at all; it is maintained by the Windows team.
Did you create Microsoft Clippy? Will Clippy ever make a come back?	Noooo... but I was around at the time. We have Clippy now in the form of Siri and Google Assistant and Cortana, but there's no picture. That's all it was though, an early digital assistant.
I read on a Microsoft devblog that when windows got ported to 64bit pinball 3d was not ported because of bugs and the developers not being able to understand the code/not having enough time. It's a shame, because it was such an awesome game and I spent many hours playing it as a kid. Was the code messy due to being ported from Sam and do you think it could have been ported given enough time and expertise?	Basically what I did when I ported it was to maintain the central code "logic" loop of the game unchanged so that it would play just as it did on other platforms, and then "hooked" functionality coming out of it and going into it. So I rewrote the drawing code that did the actual drawing, but not he original code that wanted to do the drawing, if that makes sense. I changed the how, not why.
	That meant, though, that at the very core of the game was a big bunch of code that we didn't touch or monkey with, because it 'just worked'. Apparently sometime after Vista, in 64-bit, there was a collision detection bug in Pinball.
	From what I read, Raymond Chen looked at it and got the general idea of what was wrong but didn't want to touch the fragile old code. Raymond's one of the best debuggers I've met, so it wasn't a question of expertise but of time and resources.
	Anyone on the team could have trivially fixed it I'm sure, but it sounds like no one "owned" the game anymore after I left, and it was more than just a random little bug to fix, it would have required a dev to be assigned to it, and there likely was no one free.
What is your favourite colour please?	Well, I have four cars with blue interiors and I'm wearing a blue shirt and a blue watch and blue jeans. So probably blue.
If my son expresses interest in serious computer programming, where is a good place to start? C for Dummies? (I'm joking and I know terribly little about the topic, only enough to know backend is where it's at)	Python, then Javascript. Build a website!
Hi! Just wanted to say, I still use MS-DOS regularly, on many of my older machines in my collection. Also Win3.x, Win9x etc How do you feel about computers becoming extremely dependent on 'cloud' services? I can still set up an old machine, install an old OS, install old software and have it all up and running within an hour or so, while modern software essentially requires cloud services for literally everything. What happens to that software once some random person out there decides that they don't want to support it anymore? Those cloud services go away? Are you concerned that future generations will not be able to experience anything from this era of computing? Considering computers were designed to be able to continually run the same software over and over as necessary, how can that apply if the bulk of this is lost when the cloud disappears? Or maybe this isn't a concern at all, and I'm just crazy...?	I already have hardware that refused to work because the cloud service that backs it has been abandoned or the company has gone out of business.
	I worry that things become dependent on externals that aren't reliable long term, and I know what you mean... but fortunately Windows, once activated, runs perfectly well offline forever, really.
I'm a fresh graduate with some experience and reading the knowledge you all have in the comments has made me feel very inferior. I only started coding in my university and I don't do it in my past time. Am I doing something wrong? I do enjoy programming but I try to keep a work life balance. Is that a thing in software development? Also did you ever approve a pull request by Bill?	No, as long as you DO enjoy it when you're doing it, you're fine. There's an entire "spectrum" of people in the world and some of us have "special interests" with which we're a little obsessed, and tend to "hyperfocus". I'm one of those people but it's by no means the only way to do it!
	I knew many great programmers who (a) didn't program in their spare time at home and (b) didn't continue to program recreationally after leaving it as a job.
	If you can work regular 40 hours a week as a productive programmer, you'll be set!
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Thank you so much for this! Are there any tips you'd like to give to fresh graduates like me?	If you get a job at a large company like Microsoft, and decide you're not happy, try moving INTERNALLY before looking for another job. You could work for 5 different companies over your career and they could all be Google, for example. Culture goes through and through, but every team has its own.
the following is a later reply	If you can put in a 35-40 hour week of solid work, you'll be fine. There are three buckets: the obsessives, like myself, who work as much as they can. Then the solid pros, who can turn out a ton of quality stuff in 40 hours. And then you have the slackers who surf Facebook at work and read reddit when they should be coding. As long as you're not in that group you're fine, and a balance is important. It is indeed a thing the successful people achieve it. It's not about how much code you write, it's about how much MORE time you spend coding than you want to, and that should be zero!
	Lots of people are in careers they don't practice in their free time, in fact most. So it's a bonus if you're that way, but most people are NOT, so don't despair! You're normal!
If you're still answering, how much of the original Task Manager still lives in the modern Task Manager? Anyway, thanks for the AMA! You're a legend!	I don't know for sure, but from looking at the app, and not the code, I'd expect about 60-70% of it?
Hopefully you’re still taking questions. I get a lot of crap by my peers about command line. Power shell is badass but I’m a cmd guy myself. I know we can do pretty much everything that cmd does in powershell and more, but idk. I like what I like, you know? Where do you stand on this?	Honestly I'd be a CMD guy as well, but I'm really starting to lean towards using bash under WSL.
	Have you ever looked the help for SET and FOR under CMD? It's where we put every piece of extra functionality, since you can't add keywords that might collide with people's script names, etc...
I didn’t use windows after windows 7 for about 5 years. Back in august 2019 I finally rebuilt and upgraded my old PC and installed windows 10. The task manager in windows 10 is so amazing and powerful. I would imagine it’s something you wanted to implement in the 90s but didn’t have the tools or time. Right?	Indeed, I'm a big fan of the current task manager and what they've done with it! I wish there was a Dark mode, I wish it handled file lock tracking, and I've always got wish lists, but they've done a great job with it!
CIA_grade_LSD: Why does the file transfer time remaining progress bar start at like 15 hours and then drop to two minutes and then stick at 99% for five minutes? (An exaggeration I admit. I know you and your colleagues do your best, but I am curious why this hasnt gotten much more accurate over the years.) androidethic: Yes, we need a justification as to why the windows file operation estimations are so random/inaccurate!	They're the worst estimate out there, except for all the others.
	Mac is just as bad. It's a hard problem. I worked on it briefly, and to help solve it I kept track of the average time it had taken for a whole range of operations, like creating, moving, deleting, renaming a file, or moving a block of N bytes, etc. Then multiply by the number of those operations that remain. But even that can be wildly off in degenerate cases.
Do you ever get laid?	Not since your Mom kicked me out.
Why has windows task manager never had a true force quit?	End Process is a true force quit.
What was your team's opinion on linux at the time? And what's yours opinion too?	I like it a lot, I was an early adopter back in 1993-1994 and tried to contribute some code for parsing IIDs, though I don't know if it's still in there. I hope it is, becaue then I'd have code in Windows, Mac Office, and Linux. I'd be everywhere :-)
	Now that we have WSL 2, though, I do most of my Linux work under Windows!
How much of the original DOS code is still in modern OSs?	None whatsoever. In fact, the only commonality at all would likely be the PGM header on disk still traces its original layout to MS-DOS.
	But rest assured there's NO code from MS-DOS inside NT, for example. It was a complete clean-slate design.
Was it you responsible for the atrocious naming conventions in WIN32?	Your username is dhbt12 :-)
What current developments in the world of operating systems are you watching with eager anticipation? File systems and LLVM seem to be the rage right now, at least from where I sit.	Containers are cool to me, like Docker! That's really the biggest development of recent years I think!
the below has been split into two
* What's your compensation?	- Zero, since I'm retired and there's no pension.
* Have you met Bill Gates?	- Yes, a number of times. When I was first hired he had me and a few other recent hires over to his house for burgers and beer and it was quite nice!
What's your opinion of free and open-source software? Broad, I know. I saw your response about WinRAR saying you like to license your software, but do you hold a similar sentiment in tossing a coin to the devs of foss software you might use?	I love it, I just don't have any illusions that making a piece of code open-source somehow leads to higher quality. It makes it more available to me, which is great, but in reality, on a typical project there are going to be 1-5 people who really look at the code and then a dozen the sort of know it to make changes, and then consumers of the code who just call it. I don't see that those 1-5 people are any brighter than the people who'd be responsible for a product in a proprietary environment.
	Now at a certain scale, like the Linux kernel maybe, you've got enough eyeballs looking at it that it makes a difference... that I could see!
What's the idea behind SYSKEY?	As I understand it, its function is to encrypt something called the SAM (Security Account Manager) database. This database stores hashes of user passwords, and is used to authenticate users when they supply their password.
Hey Dave, what do you think the future of the windows OS will be? Is a cloud-based OS possible, potentially limiting computer hardware?	As a total guess, I imagine our experience will eventually be just a UI device locally and everything else happens in the cloud on server hardware. So as you say, at some point your client hardware is "good enough" and then companies compete on the merits of their back-end services.
Do you know Mike Toutonghi? , he used to work at Microsoft, now he started a new blockchain project called The Verus project.	By name and email but not well enough to recognize him at the mall today, I'd say!
If you had to redo windows, what would you most like to change? What do you regret most? What do you like most?	The Format dialog needs to be redone! And Task Manager is likely my favorite...
Android or iPhone? Beer or wine? Ginger or Mary Ann?	iPhone. Beer. Can't it be both? It's an island, after all.
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I figured the iPhone since you have Mac's in the lab. I figured beer also since you can't shift a 4 speed with a glass off wine between your legs. Nice garage BTW. However i wasnt ready for both, it's an island after all. Touche. I tired to compile my first bit of code from GitHub today. I failed miserably. It would install but wouldn't run. I'll keep at it.	Make sure you're in a clean empty folder. Try the code from Episode 11, I just used it so I know that works! Clone it and build it in PlatformIO with no changes, and that'll tell you if your dev environment is set up and working properly.
I cant connect to my cloud, can you download it for me?	I'd love to, but I'm out of paper. Can you fax me some?
What amazes you the most when you compare technology from the 90's to now?	GPUs!
Is it wrong of me to only ever end task manager with itself?	Software Seppuku.
Probably too many comments and very late to the game, but here it goes! I teach Comp Sci at an international school. Would you be willing to give a small webinar talk to my students? They would just be so happy to hear from you as would I! Anyway, regardless, thanks for the many, many hours of enjoyment!	Maybe after Covid, but I'm not a big fan of Zoom lectures! I just did one for the U of R, though, and if you check my channel there are two that I have done for the University of Regina that you might find useful for your students...
	You can email me at [email protected] with info about the school and what topic you would like, etc, and I can see if it's a good fit for schedule and topic!
What computers do you personally at home? Windows? Linux? Mac?	All three!
Why are processes able to hang to the point that task manager is unable to kill them?	At that point there must be kernel corruption or something going on in a driver or well below the surface, I guess. If TM can't kill it, no one can, and it's truly hung.
Did you ever meet the genius who wrote the Space Cadet Pinball theme song?	No, who wrote it? Matt Ridgeway?
Hi Dave, loved the videos on task manager Do you have any thoughts on modern C / C++ replacements like Zig and Rust (respectively)?	I think its cool if memory access is indeed provably safe but you get code nearly as optimal as C, but I've got to learn more about them!
Did you like the windows phone?	Never had one, started after I left, but I heard nice things about the very last one before it went away...
Hi Dave, Why doesn’t File Explorer automatically refresh to show new files in a folder, such as downloads? Seems such an obvious glitch! Also, how do I get the login screen on Windows 10? I push space, esc, mouse clicks, enters... and nothing happens. Then poof, it shows up. Why is this so unresponsive?	It does.
	In fact I know it does, because I have a patent on some of it!
	Not sure why yours wound't be working, your system might have a third party piece of software that has broken File System Change notifications.
Was the time on Microsoft fun?	It really was. I miss the people and the environment, and I especially miss lunch!
i’ve found 15+ 0-days in the shell32 API when doing a vuln analysis of explorer.exe. You can read my work at https://hyp3ri0n-ng.github.io! What’s it like to write really buggy code :P?	I sense that high school was hard for you socially.
I’m sure I remember owning the pinball game as a separate standalone title before it was in windows? Can you explain the deal with that? Or am I misremembering	Plus Pack!
You're a legend, can't believe I missed this. I'll post this here, if you don't answer it I'll have a good copy/paste for later. What are your thoughts on the sethc.exe / accessibility exploit? It's worked as far back as XP, and still works today in Windows 10, last time I checked. Windows Server 2003 and 2008 as well. Is checking the integrity of OS files before they're executed just not a priority?	https://support.microsoft.com/en-us/help/222193/description-of-the-windows-file-protection-feature
Why ctl+alt+delete?	An IBM engineer (David Bradley, I think) picked that combination to serve as a hardware reset. You can't fake it, you can't get around it. The PC knows it's really C_A_D when you do it.
	Why that particular combination, you'd have to ask him!
What's the furthest you've gotten into a project that ended up not panning out? Was it something you really wanted to get working or were you relieved to move on? I'm a student studying engineering right now and reading these answers is extremely motivational; your passion for computers is awesome! Thanks for doing this.	I spent about a year on an early prototype of Media Center that I was attached to but got killed. They did do a Media Center later, of course, but I had started 2-3 years ahead, but couldn't get funding.
Why has the Windows she'll been so bad for so long?	I don't know, but I'll see you in he'll.
Do you still work at Microsoft? Do you still use only Microsoft stuff?	No retired in 2003. I use a lot of MS stuff, but my main laptop is a MacBook and I use a Mac for video.
Do you own any Apple products or use them for work?	I own all the Apple products except the new headphones, pretty much! I'm retired now though!
Is the workculture of Microsoft at the time very different than now? How much does Bill Gates' leadership impact the company? What changes had his departure bring?	It is indeed very different under Satya than Bill, and the changes are widespread. But I left before Satya started, so I'm not really qualified to speak on them!
What are your thoughts on the age old trick of "Opening Task Manager to stop programs from freezing or being slow", is there some merit to doing that or is it just a simple coincidence?	Total coincidence, honest! Task Manager, at that level, is just a windows app with a message pump. It's existence doesn't do anything that solitaire or paint would not also!
	No, but there's a great meme with the Star Wars general about how apps work better with Task Manager open because "fear will keep them in line".
	It's purely psychological, though. TM doesn't do anything by running the calc or paint wouldn't also provide!
Did you work on Windows ME? If so.. What the hell happened to that OS that made it so terrible? I had kernal errors every week.	Nope! My work on the shell would have been backported to it, but I didn't work directly on 98 or M3, other than they used our NT version of the shell code by then I think.
Did you make any contingency for when Task Manager stops responding?	Yes, lots! Check the video the "Secret Life of Task Manager" for more dirt, but there are MANY things it does to help prevent you ever being stuck with no task manager:
	https://youtu.be/f8VBOiPV-_M
If not asked yet If this is correct, as posted in Regina awhile ago iirc I saw a post saying you’re from Regina, Canada Is that true? If so that’s awesome to hear that someone from my local area made one of my favourite no internet game and the basic fundamentals of the most used OS for computers	Yes indeed, that's me!
Why is the documentation for WPA so bad and scarce? I have to refer to Bruce Dawson's years old blog to decipher some of the columns names. Are there any plans to add a comprehensive manual for it?	Windows Product Activation? Columns? Sorry, are you using WPA for something else?
Can I intern for you?	If you know how to write a Material-themed admin-style Dashboard in React, can consume a REST api in doing so, and have some experience with iPhone apps an Unity, then maybe yes!
	I was actually looking for an intern this past summer to write a phone and web app...
how did you assured code quality and readability? did you use static analyzers/ unit tests or what?	Check out the "Secret History of Task Manager" video for a description of "NTStress" and how we nightly tested, but there were professional testers, every line of code was code-reviewed, and so on.
	My understanding is it's quite different now, though!
When you say you worked on Windows activation, was it for more than a day?	That's an odd question. Can I ask why you think it might have just been for a day? Clue me in to what you're hinting at and I'll fill you in on the rest!
Why do I need to press 3 buttons and 1 click to open task manager?	Because you choose to fail!
	You can do it with two clicks or one simultaneous multikey press!
Do you think WPA was a success?	I think so! It helped stem casual piracy, wasn't "cracked" for at least 18 months after we released it, and didn't unduly inconvenience users too often, I hope.
	We were really aiming for the 95% case. Trying to catch the 95% of piracy that is people sharing keys, reusing their own keys on too many machines, getting keys off the web, that sort of thing. I think it accomplished that.
How did you feel about windows 8?	Same way you do.
Who invented the blue screen of death?	John Vert. He said:
	"Back in 1991 I wrote the original code for Windows NT 3.1 that put the video screen back into text mode and the routines to put text on it (and a truly gnarly bit of code it was!). I used the white on blue colors for two reasons.
	* The MIPS workstations we were using for the MIPS port had firmware that presented a boot option screen in white on blue, so it made sense that the bugcheck screen would match.
	* I (and many others) were using SlickEdit as our text editor and at the time its default color scheme was also white on blue.
	I believe Mark Lucovsky wrote the original code that dumped a bunch of text to the screen. This was a bugcode and a stack dump, resulting in a bunch of useless hex numbers which product support would occasionally dutifully transcribe from the customers and include in the bug report.
	There was no "typesetting" as we used standard VGA text mode on PCs.
	I don't know the history of the Win3.1/Win9x blue screens, I think the fact they were the same color is just coincidence."
But can you make sick stick figure death match animations in QBASIC?	No, but I do a mean Bill the Cat ascii art!
How could you?	Sometimes you just gotta say WTF.
	https://youtu.be/a0p7rJsYisw
What are you working on these days?	Mostly on programming tutorials and nostalgic "Windows War Stories" on my youtube channel:
	http://www.youtube.com/c/davesgarage
[removed]	That's me! Went to Miller high, worked at ISM and SaskTel during college, etc!
Here is my question. Im a cuban teenager (17) and my dream is work is be a developer. What kind of mini works i can do for learn programation before University?	Do as many little program tasks as you can, and make sure you complete them, and SAVE them for the future so you can look back!
	Try writing a little program to convert back and forth between roman numbers and regular numbers. Or fund the next highest multiple of 32, or count the number of it bits set in a byte. Or the real difference in seconds between two dates, that sort of thing. Real problems that you have to solve will help a great deal as they act as sort of a "forcing function" to make you get to the very end.
Do you like macaroni & cheese?	Kraft Dinner all the way. And I eat with little packets of designer ketchup.
Wait...you didn't built paint? I'm out.	Nope, sorry. But I owned calc for a while, back when we were adding infinite precision math to it!
Hi, If Microsoft wanted to, they could make it impossible to activate a pirated copy of windows using 3rd party software. So why aren't they making it impossible?	Not sure what you meant by 3rd party software. Are you saying Windows can actually be activated even if pirated? That'd be news to me, but anything's possible.
What was the criteria for “tilt” on space cadet pinball? I played that game for hours as a kid.	Spacebar would add a little "action" to the table, if I recall, and you could strike a balance of adding so much so often... but too much (ie: smash space too much) and it'll tilt.
Did you ever have to interview anybody at Microsoft? If so, what types of questions would you ask back then? What was your interview like going into Microsoft?	Oh yeah, I've interviewed dozens or hundreds I'd bet. I'd like to ask "calibrating questons" like "Give me a funtion that takes a number and returns the next highest multiple of 32" or "count the number of bits that are set in it" to see how their basic coding skills were.
	Then I usually liked to give a problem I was working on to see what it'd be like to actually work with the person.
	I interviewed three times, once as an intern, once as full time, and then once to move to the Shell group. Each as an all-day affair, and very arduous. You have 2-3 hour long interviews in the AM, then a lunch interview, then 2-3 more hour long interviews in the PM, then a supper thing, etc... it's a long day!
ImRandyRU: What have you done for me lately? Edit: it was a joke... dabigchina: NT is the foundation that all modern windows OS's build on, so a lot. Zeusifer: I guarantee some of OP's code still exists in Windows 10.	Most of it, to be honest. As a guess I'd say 75% still there.
Hey man, I had a wicked dump this morning and now my toilet is blocked. Any idea's?	More roughage in your diet.
It was so satisfying to push the 3x5 disks into the slot and have the button pop out, and make a vroom vroom sound. Ah, the old days. What's your favorite MS-Dos game from the 90s?	I actually came to the PC after MS-DOS, so I wasn't a DOS gamer... I suppose in those days it was primarily C64 and Amiga games. I do remember being fond of Sim City, like everyone, but also of a game called "Seven Cities of Gold"...

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Warning. To say this is a long post is like saying it's a long way to Alpha Centauri
First off, It's worthy of note that I started this project with zero knowledge on keyboards, save that they came in different shapes, and some had more expensive mechanical switches, rather than conductive dome over pcb thingies.
It's taken me longer than I would have liked to get this "write-up" done, but RL is doing a bit of a number on me at the moment. Anyway, enough bullshit...
Decision Time
So in my seemingly infinite naivety (more on that later), I decided that having put together a simrig/workstation, I needed a suitable keyboard. I've been having increasing issues with my upper spine and limbs since I did some renovation work on the house a few years ago and so part of the drive to make my own board was to make some sort of split, ergonomic effort. I looked at the Ergodox and it's variants, both in kit form, and pre-built, but decided that the Razer Tartarus I have wasnt that much more comfortable than a standard board, so looked deeper and found the Dactyl. Serious props to Matt Adereth and his unashamed nerdiness on the whole subject of keyboards. I rarely watch YouTube videos, but I found his talk on the how and why of the Dactyl project very informative and useful, as well as quite enjoyable. At this point, I was hooked. I followed the Dactyl subtunnel of this rabbit hole all the way to Carbonfet's fork of the Dactyl-Manuform code. This, I decided, was the one. Having never done anything even like building a keyboard, my brain had decided not just to make a Dactyl-Manuform, but to make the 5x7 variant. (For any normal, sane person not party to the intracies of the D-M, the 5x7 is the least manufactured of the possible types, largely due to the complexity of the print, and the sheer balls out awkwardness of the construction, as far as I can figure out.)
Already knowing that the sound of a mech' keyboard over Voip is about as welcome as a protein fart in an elevator, quiet switches were a must. Conversely the feeling of the click, the confirmation of the keypress, is something I feel is necessary to not "bottom out" too hard and cause impact problems at finger joint sites. After a lot of research and sifting through literally years of accrued arguments, all this added up to "tactile" switches. Not having a massive budget, and knowing full well where this project would lead, I opted to keep it simple and cheap (for now) and decided on Gateron Brown switches. Don't start. (Really, leave it alone. This is the Mk I :p)
I knew from the get go that some sort of lighting was a must, as I frequently use my machine in a darkened room, I game a lot, and I use a TrackIR. I'd toyed with the idea of single switch pcbs for a while, but decided that for this one, I was going to go balls to the wall, and fully hand wire it. If I was going to do this, I was going to learn every detail, all the whys and wherefores. (Ain't hindsight a wonderful thing). Having spent a few weeks researching, reading, and learning everything vaguely relevant to what I was doing, I finally had a tentative specification/parts list. A 3D printed Dactyl-Manuform 5x7, hand wired with Gateron Brown switches and single colour LEDs, powered by Arduino Pro Micro clones running QMK firmware.
All well and good, but that's a mountain of a task for an absolute rank amateur like myself. In a rare example of my childish naivety working in my favour, I began -undaunted- by carrying away small stones.
The openSCAD Saga
After having spent weeks meticulously planning what he thought was a bold, but easy score, our hapless cretin of a hero arrives at the start of the "real work"; obtain a workable set of files required to have the casing 3D printed. Sounds easy enough, there's step by step instructions and everything... Sorta. Alright, what the jumping monkey chuff is "Clojure"? A what now? Functional language? What does that even mean? (To this day, I still don't really know). Whatever, I can just follow instructions to set up a working environment, get a windows instal... wait... Alpha? Oh, cock. sigh Linux it is. Find some VM software (I went with Oracle VirtualBox) and install some Linux distro or other (Kubuntu in this case, for no particular reason other than I remeber preferring KDE years ago shrug). Install openSCAD, go back and install the Clojure cack and all it's dependencies, make sure it all works. Barring an easy way to access the files on my PC in the VM (for some reason, likely my own stupidity, I couldnt get it to mount any of my desktop drives) it works. Truly didnt see that coming. Take the wins where you can find 'em...
Next step, download the gumph from Github. Carbonfet's Version of the Dactyl-Manuform code, still in active development I might add. Still not quite certain how git works, and I'm very wary of breaking somebody's shit, or making more of an arse of myself than usual, so reticent to "play" with it. Whatever, not important, stay on track. Where was I? Right, put code on VM, realise I can't, not easily. Underp myself and open a browser in the VM and download the code in there. Follow more instructions in the readme to actually "run" the Clojure code, receive bacon .scad files. Ok, another win for the home team, it did something. :D While I still don't know what a functional language is, and I've no real idea how closure works, I've stuck my sausage fingers in enough code to be able to learn to "read" the code to a degree after a little bit of trial and error. It didn't hurt that the code is quite well commented either, much <3 to Carbonfet, l4u, tshort, and adereth for their hard work. When playing around and tweaking various parameters then rerunning the code to generate a new output, openSCAD will automatically watch for file changes and update when necessary if the file is open, which is handy. This allowed me to change something, run it, and watch what changed to get an understanding of what bits of code did what.
It all went downhill from there. It's worth taking a moment to again point out that I have no real idea what I'm doing here at this point. I don't own a 3D printer, I've never 3D printed anything, I've never design anything to be printed, hell, I scarcely knew how 3D printers even work. I had never seen or used any slicing software, never heard of meshmixer, knew of Blender only in passing and had a very basic grounding in Fusion 360. I thought I knew 3D printers ate STLs and shat plastic things, that was it. Oh boy, was I in for the rudest of awakenings.
I got to a stage where I was happy with how it looked in openSCAD, tenting and pitch angles how I wanted, screw holes and heat insert pillars correctly dimensioned and placed for the inserts I chose . I opted to use M3 machine screws to assemble it. Like most people that build their own PCs, I have hundreds of "floppy drive" screws dossing about the place and thought it about time they got some graft done. The procedure is then to "render" the result of the code in the .scad file in openSCAD itself, then export it as an STL. I did so, and sent it off to someone I knew who'd offered to print me stuff, let's call him "Mike" (not real name :p). Like I said, it all went downhill from there. The STL file had errors apparently. A lot of errors. "Non-manifold geometry", holes in places they shouldnt be, and odd ridges at the edges. Literally, thousands of errors. Well, shit. This wasn't covered in the readme. Some back and forth later, Mike had worked some arcane magic and cleaned up the model to be partially useable, but he still wasnt happy with it.
Now, I'm not sure if it's just me, but I'm uncomfortable with any "magic" fixes. When/if something breaks, or doesnt work as intended, I need to understand why, at least to a rudimentary degree, before can proceed to the "fixing". Automatic fixes and repairs are well and good, but without knowing what's going on, how can I predict what exactly they might do to a model? To better understand what I was doing, I installed the same toolchain Mike uses. I already had Fusion 360 set up, so I just needed "Meshmixer" and the Prusa Version of "Slic3r".
Maybe it's the complexity of the Dactyl-Manuform, maybe I'm just thick, but could I hell as like get Meshmixer to do anything useful besides highlight the errors in the model. I could zoom in and see the problems, but the tools were wholly unsuitable for the detailed manipulation I needed to do. I spent what must have totalled over 50 hours bouncing between Meshmixer, Google searches and Fusion, trying to figure out how to do something about the problem. Netfabb could apparently fix the errors, but it's methods left odd overhangs and "cracks" through what should have been solid, the end result was usually arguably worse than the input. Either way, the mesh we were left with was a 22+ hour print for each main casing, and Mike wasn't in for babysitting his printer for such long prints.
Ok, so now what? Well, I again weighed up the pros and cons of just building an ergodox or similar, as the frames would be easier to source or print. In the end, I once more decided that the Tartarus I had was just as uncomfortable for long term use, and so wouldnt be that much further forward if I half arsed my original intentions. No, bollocks to it, if I'm doing this, I'm doing it whole hog. I asked around friends, looking for someone, anyone, with a 3d printer that didn't mind running some long prints. I was pointed in the direction of Derek (another false name), who seemed more than happy to run the print, boasting about the complexity of some of the models he'd printed previously.
Meanwhile, I'd started again from scratch with the model after coming realising carbonfet had updated the Clojure code. I spent more frustrated days trying to learn what I needed to understand what was going wrong with the process, eventually coming to a partial understanding. Somewhere down the line, when exporting from openSCAD, numbers get rounded, and what should be one vertex ends up being split into 3 or more. If you've any understanding of 3d modelling, you can imagine the havoc that wreaks on the final mesh. Yeah, shitshow is about right.
By the time I'd figured this out, Derek had collected his printer but found it needed work and that was going to take an indeterminate amount of time. I'm 0/2 so far, for anyone keeping score :(. I was pretty much back at square one, though somewhat less ignorant of what I was asking of the printer, so not a waste of time, exactly. I will admit though, despite having the key switches, diodes, controllers (Pro Micros), LEDs, and all the other sundries required, I nearly gave up. Between not being able to have the casing printed, and not being able to produce a model I was happy with in the first place, my motivation took a serious hit.
Will it Blend?
While having a good piss and moan at the ever tolerant regulars of the DIY corner of the HOTAS discord about my situation, a voice piped up with an offer of help. I was renewed, my enthusiasm crept up again as I discussed with Jonathan (guess what?) how to bring the thing to reality. I began again, again.
Carbonfet had updated the code again, so I downloaded a fresh copy, and set to work. I picked through the clojure code, modifying the required parameters, previewing, modifying parameters, previewing, until I was happy with the angle and shape, locations and sizing of screw supports etc. Unfortunately, the export to STL went as well as previously. Badly, to be diplomatic about it. I was at a loss. If only, I thought, I could edit the vertices individually. I could manually repair the mesh so I could successfully import it into Fusion 360. Maybe...? some googling later... Blender. Of course, why didnt I think of this before. Man, I felt stupid. I installed Blender, watched a couple of "intro to Blender" videos, and then set to work...
Cut forward three days...
I had a fixed, "finished" model that Fusion could import without smearing itself in it's own waste and blowing bubbles in the corner, unresponsive. Finally! Only took about two and a half months of literal sweat and tears to get this far, but that fusion file stands testament to the progress smashing your face into a problem repeatedly can achieve. It had taken a bunch of back and forth with Jonathan, him testing models in his slicer and then eventually, printing a key-wide, columnar slice off one end as a print test.
From there, I designed a new bottom plate, as the shape of the footprint had changed during the process of repairing the geometry of the mesh, so the code generated one was incorrect. I mean, of course it was; I manipulated, combined, fucked with or dissolved down 7,819 vertices -by hand- to 5,922, bringing the total number of triangles from 15,896 to 11,988. I had to hand build some geometry, vertex by vertex to correct some of the dodgy export results around the thumb cluster too. Fixed a few spots where walls were a bit thin (Meshmixer made that info easy to see, though it can be done in Blender no doubt). That was the hard part done, thinks I. Fate it would seem, had other ideas.
A Short Rant On Being Fucked Around
Somewhere in amongst that struggle of tenacity vs technology, the actual hardware (minus casings, obvs.) had arrived. I sent files down to Jonathan of all varieties, trying to get the best possible results. That, it turned out later, was a childish mistake on my part...
I paid "Jonathan" a reasonable sum of money, to his "Home Business", (probably best I don't publicly name it here) to print something I'd spent months working on by this point. I discovered half way though the actual build detailed below that he'd then sold a print of it to someone else despite my explicit instructions not to. That really pissed me off. (I have concrete proof, there's no room for debate on if it happened. Just in case anyone decides they to play devils advocate, don't.)
I get that it's an open source based design, and at least morally, if not legally, my work should be open too. I just don't want my half baked, unfinished, prototype work out in the wild. I intend to improve upon this design to simplify the printing, as well as the construction of the board. I don't want someone I paid to do a job profiting from the months I spent fighting the design into Fusion 360 and claiming it as his own work to their "customers".
Annnnd relax.
Back to our regularly scheduled programming...
Things Get Real
While waiting for the print to be completed and sent up to me, I tested every switch and diode, soldered the two together, and then tested again. One, Five, Many
Once the casings arrived, (pic), the real fun could begin. The first job was to fit the switches, fettling the holes where required. (Pic). Then soldering the diode legs into rows (pic 1)(pic 2). Once that was done, I used enamelled copper wire to wire the columns (pic 1)(pic 2). At this point despite it looking nice, I have echo something I read while reading up on handwiring. Use very fine enamelled wire if that's the route you choose. I used 0.5mm and it took ramping the iron up to 380C to cook the enamel off. Needless to say, this utterly fubarred the already ancient and damaged tip of the iron. As it's an 18 year old Maplin's special, fuck only knows what spec the tips are, so I needed a new soldering station. Bollocks.
Once my new gear turned up, I could bash on. I added some cheap ribbon I had already lying around for the board to pcb interconnect. (pic) At that point, I soldered the headers to the pro micro boards and fettled the holders for them. I wired in the TRRS jacks used to connect the two halves using the same enamelled copper as the columns, and pinned them in place with a trimmed cable tie. (pic)
At this stage, I needed to know where to connect the headers I'd crimped onto the free ends of the ribbon cables. So, it was time to take a closer look at QMK. Luckily for my noob self, those clever little spuds that maintain QMK seem to know how to work around ignorance such as mine, and so, in short order I had a basic keymap set out in the online configurator app, and a short spinning chetty later, I had a firmware file, plus the source used to compile it. I needed the source immediately, as the switch matrix pin assignments I sought are stored within. Once the headers were connected appropriately, I slid the controller holders into place (pic) and screwed the baseplates on (A little optimistic, I admit). I ran the QMK toolbox program, used to upload firmware to the controllers, and promptly realised I had no way to reset the controllers into bootloader mode. Well, bugger. I quickly bodged up two headered cables to attach to the reset pin and ground that would be accessible without having to slide the holders out of place, so no twisted cables (those ribbons are fragile). There we go, reset and uploaded to each half, connect the primary (left) half back up to the PC and... it works! Test all the key.... Balls. Turns out the build I was using as a reference was wired differently at the thumb cluster. Not entirely surprising, given it was a smaller board, built a while ago. This meant that the four 1u thumb buttons were "mixed up". Making a note of which key on the thumb cluster did what, I went back and rewired the thumb switches so they'd work properly. ((I now know I could have avoided that work by changing the code end of things, but hey ho, them's the breaks)) Right, go back and test it again. It actually works! (pic) Yes, the keycaps are a hodgepodge, but right now I don't care, it actually works!
Ohhmm, What? / Let There Be Light
After a few days of playing around with the keymap, I decided it was time to try and tackle the LED backlighting. I had no idea what I was doing other than using 3mm amber LEDs I'd bought at the same time as the wiring and the diodes for the switch matrix. I knew I didnt need to use anything as complex as LED matrix controllers, so looked deeper at QMK's "Backlight" functionality. (Link)
Software wise, this was going to require an actual local compile of customised QMK code, rather than using the online configurator to generate the firmware, so I got that out of the way. Again, the quality of the documentation and community around QMK shone through, and setting up a working dev environment was as simple as following the given instructions. A short while later and I had tested the ensemble by compiling the source that made the working firmware the board was currently running and reuploading it. Success, first time... "Hmmm, that kind of luck doesn't last", I thought to myself.
So, to use the backlight functions of QMK you simply define a few flags appropriately in the relevant places (intentionally being nonspecific here, as the QMK docs are clear as crystal, and may change) to set desired options, things like number of brightness levels, max/default brightness, etc. The most important setting as far as I was concerned was which pin would output the signal to the LEDs. To use one of the controller's hardware timers, rather than a software timer, I had to rejig the existing switch matrix pins, but previous me had crimped headers on the connections for those rather than solder them, so that wasnt such a problem :D
I did still have one rather glaring problem, or rather, a would-be lack of glare. How in the name of cheesy dicks do I drive.. 34? LEDs (per half) from one controller pin that can feed 40mA or thereabouts before melting? Or all 68 from one 500mA USB port for that matter... Errr.... It has to be doable... I've seen it done. Alright, one more problem to solve, I've come this far. Skimming through google results looking for a lead, I found an old reddit post about something similar that suggested using the key matrix scan in combination with the PWM output from the controller.
The QMK code (by default) scans each column of keys one after another by pulling a column high and looking for a high row input. If it finds one, that means that row switch is pressed in that column. Since the code does this many, many times a second to give the impression of instant detection, it should be fast enough to look always on, to my slow mk. I eyeballs.
So, by taking a feed off each column into a transistor, I can switch on one column of LEDs at a time, quick enough fool the eye, without fragging the usb port. Now, by pulling the same stunt with the PWM output of the controller, and running the cathode end of the LED column through another transistor, triggered by the output of the PWM transistor, the pwm output is fed to all of the LEDs, but only one column has power at any given time. Mint!
After finding rougly suitable transistors to do the job (2N3904), I had all the information I needed to work out the voltages at various places, to work out the required resistors to limit the current correctly. For this, I needed help from the electronics gurus on the HOTAS discord as I had completely forgotten my basics. Having had my bacon saved again, I had this to work from.
Once the parts arrived, I could press on. Knowing I'vd have to solder a buttload of resistors, one to each LED and one to each Transistor, I coiled one leg of the required number of resistors. (pic) After that tedious and painful job was done, I started fixing LEDs into place. It was pretty simple, sliding them through a column at a time, taking care to have the long leg (or flat side of the casing) to the correct side. After slotting in a column, holding the LEDs in the a finger on each, I flipped the casing over and bent the LEDs legs apart a little to stop them falling out. With the resistors pre-prepared, it was as easy as dropping them over the correct leg, soldering it on, pushing the LED from the other side and resoldering, sliding the resistor all the way down the leg. This ensured a solid solder connection, while keeping the connection fairly small, and allowing me easily pin the LEDs firmly in place. All I had to do was do that about 70 times. :-/
Once the LEDs were in I used the unconnected legs of the resistors to make a rail, like is common with diode legs in a keyboard switch matrix. With this done in a particular way, there's a "spare" leg which I coiled like I did with the resistors eventually, to be used as one of the transistor connections to that column. For the other rail, the LED legs weren't long enough to do the same trick, and since the enamelled wire was such a pain in the arse, I used tinned wire and heatshrink to do the job instead. (pic)
For each column of LEDs, I have two transistors, one to supply power when the switch column is active, and one to sink the power according to the PWM output supplied by the LED backlight code in QMK via a pin of the controller. So, one transistor takes it's input (base) off the switch column, it's collector hooked to vcc, and it's emitter feeding the LED column +ve rail. The other transistor's base is connected to the controller (via another transistor, to avoid the risk of frying the controller), it's collector to the LED column -ve rail, emitter to ground. What this means is, as soon as you put the transistors in, rat's nest. (pic)
Having already sorted an environment to customise the QMK code, I made the required changes to set up the backlight and added some backlight control keys to my keymap. Once that was done I compiled the code and uploaded the firmware. Moment of truth.. Ohhhkaaaay, it works?!? I was genuinely stunned. Just like that, it works. Apparently that easy? Can't be.. I mean, the keycaps arent awesome with how I've mounted the switches (and thus the LEDs), but it does the job. Behold!
Conclusions
Going forward from here, I've ordered my own 3D printer so I can print my own casings. I'm sorta waiting for that to arrive so I can get familiar with it, get it "dialled in" and whatnot. At the same time, I'm trying to decide whether to go through the effort of recreating the whole Dactyl-Manuform model parametrically, purely in Fusion 360. Either way, the Mk. II will use a custom single switch PCBs, surface mount LEDs and crystal switches. The wiring gets simpler using mini PCBs, which means per key RGB LEDs become a halfway reasonable thing to do rather than a self induced stroke looking for somewhere to happen. SMD LEDs with transparent switches also produce a much "fuller" light under each switch, widening keycap options (which is a must with such a custom layout). I also have some ideas floating around for custom laser engraved keycaps, we'll see.
If anyone has questions, I'll do my best to answer them. Hopefully this will inspire others to give this sort of thing a go. If a muppet like me can get it done, you should be fine.
'Til next time <3
Edit: Gold? Thank you, kind redditor :D

It's January 25th, 2011, and the trailer drops for BO1's first DLC expansion: First Strike. Along with a few cool multiplayer maps comes the most anticipated part of the Trailer, the new Zombies map: Ascension. A soviet rocket-launch site that has been taken over by the undead, offering 2 new tactical grenades in the form of Matryoshka dolls and GERSH-Devices, a new form of transportation in the form of the Lunar-Lander, soviet-cosmonaut monkies as bosses, and 2 new perks.
After downloading the DLC for 15$, you gather up your friends that you made playing Kino and FIVE and are ready to jump into it.
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Booting up the map grants you with a cryptic, comic book styled loading screen that shows a scientist working at his desk (who looks distinctly like Marlton Johnson judging by the angle/silhouette, probably isn't though), 3 ominous rockets whose shadows cast the numbers 115, the inside of a cell (probably built for the test monkies), and lastly, another scientist who looks as if he's being transported through time. All this happening while we have ominous music playing in the background.
I like how this loading screen compliments the Kino loading screen by assuming that you already get the idea of what's going on. Kino opens up with Richtofen rambling into his log-entry device about where they are, filling the player in with cryptic info that just makes the player more confused, encouraging them to experience WAW and it's DLCs before jumping into this too quickly. So, by that point, you likely have gone hunting for the lore in maps like Der Riese before jumping into Ascension.
Ascension's loading screen is even more cryptic, there's nobody expositing info to the player in any way, shape, or form, just mysterious music playing in the background, solidifying the mystery that the player has to crack. The easter egg.
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After that, the screen brightens up from the pitch-black vision and displays you and your teammates on the Lunar-Lander, as it descends into the spawn room, the color of the map slowly turns black-and-white. Our characters make a silly remark about how there's no power OR color, showing that they all have similar 4th-wall-breaking abilities. Suddenly, a tortured Russian voice is heard, "Help me, she's coming! The mechanism must be repaired!" This is the first hint to the player(s) that there is a bigger goal to this map than just surviving.
As per usual, there are 2 paths to the power switch, taking the path at the bottom floor of the spawn room will give players access to the MPL wall buy while opening the door on the second floor will grant players access to a gigantic space with the MP5K wall buy, an MG-42 stationary trap, the first of the 3 Lunar-Lander stations the player must link to the spawn room to get to PAP, and the first brand-new perk, PHD-Flopper. All of these (besides the MP5K/MPL wall buys) are only available to the player when they turn on the power, of course.
Moving on from those areas, players who take the path with the MPL wall buy will be granted access to Jugg and a PM63 wall buy by clearing a 1000 point door. Players who took the other path actually have 2 other options. Either take the path that grants them the AK-74u wall buy, a fire trap, and the other new perk, Stamin-Up or take the main route to power and gain access to the Stakeout wall buy. Of course, power is the main priority, so taking the path to Stamin-up is only useful for the AK-74u wall buy.
Moving up the staircases, players who took the path to Jugg will gain access to the same Stakeout wall buy that the other players had access to. Speaking of the other players, those who take the other path will be able to clear another door for just 1250 points and gain access to the power switch and the mystery box. The power has been turned on by now, but there's still a bit more to explore.
As mentioned before with the path to Stamin-up, players who continue down that path will be granted access to the Claymore wall buy and the next Lunar-Lander station. However, players will also notice that there is another gate to purchase for 1250 in the power room, going down this path further and spending another 1250 points will grant players access to the M16 wall buy, Speed Cola, the third Lunar-Lander position, and the Sickle wall buy.
When players traverse with the Lunar-Lander at all 3 stations, they will hear a voice announce that the code for the Launch protocol has been received and that they will be able to launch the rocket into space in order to access PAP. The player then heads to the power room, initiates the Launch sequence, and watches the Rocket fly up into space as the door to PAP opens up. Accessing PAP requires either spending 1250 on another gate or taking a shortcut from the path the player already opened up for 1250 points.
So now that I've explained to you how to play a map that you've been playing for almost a decade, let's finally get into the actual retrospective. Let's start with the design/flow of the map!
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Ascension is the first truly gigantic Zombies map that doesn't follow traditional, symmetrical map design. Thus, it is expected to have a rather awkward flow when you're first opening up the whole map. It is the first of its kind, after all.
Ascension has the same problem as Verrückt, being that one path is clearly favored over the other due to what players are granted access to and space they have to work with. Taking the path that leads to Jugg is super tight whereas taking the path to PHD Flopper is a lot more open, you could argue that there was a form of Genius behind this decision by forcing players to take a riskier path if they want Jugg, I still think it's dumb when you consider that you could get it for free by killing the Monkies while defending a single perk-machine. It's a 1/7 chance, but it saves a lot of hassle and money if you get lucky, which is why I try my luck at getting it from the Monkies before I even consider opening up that door.
Taking the path to PHD also grants you a choice to diverge from your path to the power switch, It's unrefined in its design as the rewards aren't that useful without power, but, once again, it's the first of its kind. Taking the other path, however, doesn't grant you that same option. Thus, the flow of the map often feels repetitive after each replay as you likely aren't going to diverge from the PHD path, unless you want to challenge yourself, of course.
And who could forget that the path to PHD also gives you immediate access to the single best and most iconic training spot of all time, the first Lunar-Lander station?
Come on, does this spot make high rounds too easy, or what? I don't even need to elaborate on why this spot is the best for training, if you've played Ascension, you know why. And the craziest part is, is that there are 3 other training spots on this map.
The room just outside the PAP room where the rocket-pads are is an effective room to train in that's very reminiscent of Nacht's training room pillars, except it's much safer and easier to predict, of course.
And if you want another area where the difficulty is in between that of the first Lunar-Lander pad and the PAP room I just mentioned, then the area just outside that area is a lot safer. The area leading to the area that leads to PAP is pretty damn large and there are only a few areas where you can get cornered, an issue that is easily solved with the Thunder Gun.
Even the fucking spawn room is manageable to train in! In fact, it's the second-best training spot on the whole map due to the Spinning dildo thing being an insta-kill to any zombies caught in it. It's random, sure, but it works and often saves your life when you need it most.
Before we move on from the map flow, it's important to touch upon the Lunar-Landers.
They're cool. They give you a nice view of the map and the rocket, they kill any zombies that try to traverse with you, and they only cost 250 points to use. They're like really cheap teleporters that aren't as flashy and to-the-point. It's also really nice to have 3 shortcuts back to spawn if you need them, but I don't think that excuses the flow of the map during your first 10 rounds.
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I think that's all I have to say about the map flow. Let's move onto the new Perks!
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PHD Flopper, the perk that makes you an explosive demi-god. For only the price of 2000 points, you become immune to fall/explosive/fire damage, and dolphin-diving off of an elevated surface causes a massive explosion when you land. Besides the many benefits it already gives you, it's how you can utilize it that makes it pretty OP. Out of ammo? Just cook a grenade in your hand and walk up to a zombie when it's about to go off. It's not like you'll take explosive damage, so the only source of damage you can take is from the zombies, and even then, you don't have to get within touching distance of them. You can even repeat this process until you have enough points to get a good gun if there's a grenade wall buy nearby, and if there isn't, just dolphin-dive off of an elevated surface and get points that way. The explosion from the dolphin-dive will be killing zombies for quite a while, so you won't need to worry about getting gang-raped by a whole horde while you're down for a while. Don't even get me started on the Mustang-n'-Sally/Ray Gun + PHD combo. In short, that just makes the map too easy and it kills replayability as you'll go for that combo every game if you can pull it off.
While PHD Flopper is a very OP perk when you know how to use it, Stamin-Up is actually a very balanced perk that stuck with zombies for every major map afterward.
Stamin-Up is a perk that buffs your sprinting capabilities, granting you a small but effective 7% increase in running speed and negation to the weight of your gun, meaning that running with an LMG is no different than running with a pistol. It's a go-to perk and an excellent alternative to Double-Tap's double-edged sword of only benefiting guns with a slower RPM and cursing guns with a higher RPM. Not much else to say about it.
​
However, with many Perks comes many opportunities for them to be stolen by the Space Monkies.
After turning on the power and getting perks by round 5 at least, Space Monkies will spawn in all around the map and try and steal your perks. If you kill them before they attack any Perk machine you bought a perk from, you get a free random perk alongside the default Max-ammo reward. Good luck keeping all the perks you have untouched though because you can only be at one place at once and there is very little you can do to prevent them from stealing one of your perks while you're defending one of them.
Your best bet is placing claymores down near the perks you need to defend, but even then, you need to build them up every round so that they can keep the perk locked down for more than one detonation and, chances are, you'll only be able to build up enough to defend 1 or 2 perk machines.
If that ain't enough (which it won't be), you can activate a trap and reliably cover an entire path to a perk machine, but that leads to another issue.
Dealing with Monkies efficiently can end up being very expensive and you could end up spending an entire 5 rounds worth of points just to defend the perks you bought. Imagine it's round 10, you have Quick-Revive, Jugg, and PHD, the Monkies start coming in and you've got enough points to PAP your M1911. If you want to defend all 3 of those perks without having to be in 3 places at once, you have to spend 1000 points on the MG42 trap (and that only covers part of the Monkies' path to PHD), you have to spend a total of 3250 points to open up the doors to the claymores and buy them, you have to hope you have a decent gun (because an M14 ain't gonna kill a lot of Monkies fast enough anymore), which could mean hitting the box at least once or buying an MP5K, so that's a default 950-1000 points right there. Granted, this is assuming that you haven't opened up the whole map in an attempt to save your points and still only have an M1911 and M14, but it can still get pretty ridiculous if your not a total miser.
Now you could argue that "the Monkies are a good boss because they keep you from getting too comfortable" if you never made it to a high round on Ascension before. If you have, then you know that on high rounds that these annoying little fucks aren't even that big of an issue. Let's say it's round 30, you're STACKED, you have easily 30000 points at least. Monkies start coming in and, what do you do? You turn on all the traps around the map and start placing claymores down, depending on what perks you have and where they are, it can be a piece of cake and you can get yourself a free perk. Now, let's say you failed and one of your perks was stolen... ok, so what? If you didn't have more than 4 perks when one of them got stolen, then you can just rebuy that perk. Yeah, it's a little annoying, but getting that perk back the next time the Monkies come shouldn't be that hard. There are 7 perks on Ascension (we'll talk about Mule-Kick when we talk about MOON), which means you have a 33% chance of getting the perk you lost and couldn't just rebuy, that number was 50% before MOON came out, meaning that it was even easier to get the perk back that you lost.
​
So the Ascension Monkies aren't really a good boss, how about the 2 new grenade types. The Gersh Devices and the Matryoshka Dolls?
The Gersh Device may still be the best tactical grenade in Zombies right now. It's a literal black hole that sucks zombies in and kills them no matter how high the round is. People complain that Ascension didn't have any new Wonder Weapons when I'd argue that the Gersh Device is not only Ascension's true WW, but the first WW of its kind. An infinite damage black hole that is tied to a grenade slot, how fucking cool is that?
Despite being very overshadowed by the glorious Gersh Device, the Matryoshka Dolls are a pretty damn powerful alternative and very much worth keeping until at least round 50. Basically an explosive doll that splits into 3 other explosive dolls, they don't do infinite damage, but they can get you by until the box is kind enough to give you the Gersh Device. Just, make sure you have PHD, because you can down yourself with these things like any other explosive.
​
So, the map has 2 very solid alternatives to the Monkey Bomb and a Bowie Knife that's been reskinned to look like a Russian farming tool. Probably its biggest innovation, however, is the map's Easter Egg quest.
Ascension may not have the actual first EE quest, but it was the first one to give you more than just more lore. It may still be a pretty lackluster reward that won't help you past round 50 and you need 4 people to do it, but it's a start.
The first step to the Ascension EE is to BLOW UP THE FUCKING ROCKET AS IT'S LAUNCHING (most badass first EE step ever) and get a Gersh-Device out of the box so that you can toss it at a generator outside the map next to the MP5K wall buy.
Next, you have to go to the Lunar-Lander station near Stamin-Up and go to the corner that has a TV with the Illuminati symbol and interact with it.
Then, when a Monkey round comes, you need to push 4 buttons located near Jugg, PHD, Speed-Cola, and Stamin-Up.
After that, you need to head to the rocket-launch pad next to the PAP room and stand under the launch-pad for 2 uninterrupted minutes, a Nuke power-up will end the round automatically.
When that's done, you need to spell the word LUNA by collecting the letters via the Lunar-Lander. A player should be staying at spawn to call the Lander back and forth. One player grabs the Letter "L" while on the lander when another player calls it over to the station near Stamin-Up, The player at spawn calls it back over there so that the player in the lander can collect the letter"U" on the way back, the 4th player calls the Lander over to the station with the sickle wall buy so that the player in the lander can collect the letter "N", and finally, the player over at the Stamin-Up Lander station calls the Lander over so that the player on the Lander can collect the letter "A". After all of that, all the Nodes that you've been collecting will be lit.
After all of that, the final step is to head over to the Lander Station near Stamin-Up and bombard the 3 nodes and a green orb with Matryoshka dolls, a Gersh-Device, 2 ZEUS CANNON shots, and Ray Gun blasts. That last step requires a shit-ton of box RNG to be on your side, but if you pull this off, you'll complete the EE and be granted a 90-second Death-Machine.
​
So, that was kinda cool and all. It's just too bad that is doesn't really contribute to the BO1 super EE at all and you could just skip it entirely and move onto the other 3 DLCs EEs.
But you know what is a cool EE? The song, Abracadaver.
Abracadaver is probably a top 5 EE song at least, TBH. It starts off with the DAMNED piano melody and eventually morphs into a metal riff before turning into its own thing. The verses are fitting, but I'm not a big fan of what they did to Elina's voice to make her sound more demonic. After the verses, the bridge suddenly pops out of nowhere and brutally assaults you before leading into the beautiful chorus that saves the whole song, which is the game over music from Kino and FIVE (following the trend from WAW where the game over songs where little sneak peeks for the next map's EE song). The second verse plays, then the super loud bridge, then the Chorus pops up again, and rather than repeating, it plays it's own unique section that says the name of the song "Abracadaver". A tag, if you will, before playing the Damned melody again (with lyrics this time), then leading into the opening riff again and ending on the Chorus with its own tag.
It's a wonderfully badass EE song that, in my opinion, only really suffers from editing the vocals a little too much during the verses. Other than that, it's a solid 8/10.
​
Overall, Ascension is a great map that suffers from its own metas killing its replayability. Whether it be the cracks in the map's flow that were downright nonexistent in Der Riese or the multiple contributing factors that make the map too easy, the one thing that makes Ascension so important is how it affected how people played Zombies. Gone forever are the days of maps where camping is the most viable strat (without Gobble Gums and Elixers making it a viable strat again, that is), now, the doors of innovation and new strategies have been opened and anyone can be as good as TheSyndicateProject was on Kino back in the day.
My final rating for Ascension is an 8.3/10.
See y'all with Call of the Dead.

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